monologue

Hey.....I'm so sorry. I feel so guilty, not being able to say thank you. I hope you knew how much you meant to this family....You know, my brothers practically consider you their mother. Sure, we see her in the afternoon after school, but it's the night that gets them. It's hard for a kid at eight, ten, twelve, or even me at fifteen, to sleep, not having that comfort, that knowing that mom's right there if you need her. It really gets to them. We understand, well me and Phill understand. It's gotta be hard for a single mother to raise four kids on her own, dependant on her oldest to make sure they get to bed on time with full stomachs and teeth brushed.....Just thank you. Thank you for checking up on us during the night, no matter what time. It really took a lot off my back. For years now...years, I've been the mature one. And my brothers look up to me. Michael and John don't even remember dad. I try so hard to be like him....I don't know. I mean I've had to watch three kids since dad died. I barely had time to spend with Gina or Chris. And I always feel bad when they ask me to go to the movies or the mall because my answer's always "No I gotta stay and put my brothers to bed." Most of the time they come over and have fun and all, but I feel like it's never just us three. John, Michael, and Phill are always there with us. Always. And you're the one that steps in for me so I can enjoy a Friday night with my friends. But then, I have to hear from mom that it's my responsibility, not yours....What really bothers me now the most, is that I didn't even want to do the things I did, and still do. I was never asked to watch my brothers at ten when dad passed away. I was never given the option to be mature at a child's age. I was given the guilt and the lecture on how I have to be there for them. I didn't want to try so hard to be like dad. I was told to try to be like dad. But I'm not a dad. I'm their brother, and a teenager who needs a break. I can't wait until they all get old enough to watch themselves. It will make my life so much easier. I'm sorry if I sound selfish, but you have no idea what it's like for a fifteen year old to have the responsibilities of a parent. You don't know what it's like. I need you, not for the kids sake, but for mine. I deserve a break. I've worked my ass off for five long years, and now you're quitting on me. They're going to take you off tomorrow and I don't know what I'm going to do. It's not fair. What do you think I should do?