“Where did Mom go?” Nichole asked her five year old brother.
“I-I-I don’t know. I was looking at a puppy and when I looked, Daddy wasn’t there.” Peter replied.
“Well it’s a carnival, they can’t be far. They won’t leave us.” The six year old assured herself that they would find their parents. The sounds of laughter, fun, and music turned instantly into a soundtrack of a horror movie. The clowns seemed to be menacingly laughing at children, hypnotizing them with their tricks and colors. The children were lost in a forest of crowd. Nichole reached in her pocket and pulled out four tickets.
“Let’s go on the carousel.” she said. Nichole grabbed her brother’s arm and went off in search of the ride. Nichole felt it was a search and rescue. She thought that if she went on the carousel, she will find her parents. Peter had mix feelings. He felt the scariness of losing his parents, but the excitement of going on a ride overcame that. The big wild animals looked at first like monsters, waiting to devour children. Nichole sucked it up and climbed on an ostrich. Peter went on a lion. The music began to play and the carousel started to spin. Peter was screaming in excitement. He felt empowered. Meanwhile, Nichole was looking for her parents, scanning every inch of the carnival. The music filled her head as if a source of hypnotism. She was barely able to concentrate. She started to feel dizzy and almost fell off the animal. She thought she saw her mom, but the ride was too fast for her to tell. She waited for the ride to come to that spot again, but she lost track of where she saw her.
“MOMMY!” she cried. A bolt of terror controlled her body. She felt queasy and light headed.
“WEEEE!” Peter yelled, not even taking notice at his surroundings. He didn’t even realize where he was anymore. To him, he was riding a lion through an African jungle. He was a king, on a mission, examining the scenery.
Nichole was sobbing now. She felt herself spinning as well as the carousel. The ostrich seemed like a children’s torturing device, confusing her in every way. The ride never ended. Nichole screamed and the ride stopped. She fell trying to get off. Peter, exhilarated, jumped off and was all smiles. Nichole stumbled around the carnival, still dizzy from the spinning machine of Hell. She almost fell backwards when a soft and gentle hand caught her fall. . . .
“I-I-I don’t know. I was looking at a puppy and when I looked, Daddy wasn’t there.” Peter replied.
“Well it’s a carnival, they can’t be far. They won’t leave us.” The six year old assured herself that they would find their parents. The sounds of laughter, fun, and music turned instantly into a soundtrack of a horror movie. The clowns seemed to be menacingly laughing at children, hypnotizing them with their tricks and colors. The children were lost in a forest of crowd. Nichole reached in her pocket and pulled out four tickets.
“Let’s go on the carousel.” she said. Nichole grabbed her brother’s arm and went off in search of the ride. Nichole felt it was a search and rescue. She thought that if she went on the carousel, she will find her parents. Peter had mix feelings. He felt the scariness of losing his parents, but the excitement of going on a ride overcame that. The big wild animals looked at first like monsters, waiting to devour children. Nichole sucked it up and climbed on an ostrich. Peter went on a lion. The music began to play and the carousel started to spin. Peter was screaming in excitement. He felt empowered. Meanwhile, Nichole was looking for her parents, scanning every inch of the carnival. The music filled her head as if a source of hypnotism. She was barely able to concentrate. She started to feel dizzy and almost fell off the animal. She thought she saw her mom, but the ride was too fast for her to tell. She waited for the ride to come to that spot again, but she lost track of where she saw her.
“MOMMY!” she cried. A bolt of terror controlled her body. She felt queasy and light headed.
“WEEEE!” Peter yelled, not even taking notice at his surroundings. He didn’t even realize where he was anymore. To him, he was riding a lion through an African jungle. He was a king, on a mission, examining the scenery.
Nichole was sobbing now. She felt herself spinning as well as the carousel. The ostrich seemed like a children’s torturing device, confusing her in every way. The ride never ended. Nichole screamed and the ride stopped. She fell trying to get off. Peter, exhilarated, jumped off and was all smiles. Nichole stumbled around the carnival, still dizzy from the spinning machine of Hell. She almost fell backwards when a soft and gentle hand caught her fall. . . .
Not to be a critic, but I definitely think you need to take that worksheets advice and show not tell. The story felt like you were telling me about the story as if you had read it and then were trying to convey the plot to me, you know what I mean? Also you had a few minor grammatical errors and you should never spell out your cliff hangers so obviously, you have to make the reader really wonder, you know? Not trying to offend, just a little constructive criticism, take it or leave it man, but keep writing!
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ReplyDeleteI know what you mean with the ending, and I was going to change it. This is what came out of a half hour. It's supposed to be a brief story so I couldn't go into that much detail. If I was given more time, it probably would have been better. I think I set the mood and the story how I wanted it to be done. Everything there is on purpose, even the style of writing. But thank you. I appreciate your criticism.
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